Get some perspective, other people have dipped their toothbrushes. Photo / Channel 9
Married At First Sight’s reunion dinner party explodes like a radioactive swamp and each contestant’s final dignity vanishes, like a ghost: GOHT.
Can you believe that the contestants and producers have endured the whole season with bland episodes, only to air this spectacular television at the eleventh hour?
And then, after Sunday’s final, nothing! We’ve been feeling ghostly: GOHT (this joke pops up every few paragraphs – I regret nothing).
The night is getting really nasty, very fast, so it’s important that we calm down. Maybe do some deep breathing exercises. Clear your mind.
Oh, hi Coco! We haven’t seen you in a while. What is that? Do you want to start the evening with inspiring words? Okay, go ahead.
“Cam and I got along. I was in cock sand,” he grumbled. “Like, red fog. I think I saw a gorilla. I just, I can’t. I’m sorry. I was blinded!”
Ahem. Um. GOOD. Now, this is awkward. Is there something more precise we could cut out? Oh good. GOOD. Here’s an unprovoked slow-mo footage of The Sasshole walking down the stairs as a fan blows open the thigh-high slit of her satin dress, almost exposing her stupidity.
Oh, my friends, come on!
She’s not the only one showing off skin. We practically saw Johnny’s shit hole, too.
It just got an X. Can we get anything less… erotic?
Thanks for Liam and Georgia. Just days after they both decided to stay together at their last commitment ceremony, and then had a fight at the same final commitment ceremony before breaking up seconds later out of anger, they returned to the same room for the first time since their breakup.
“Oh, hey Liam!” Georgia is calling. “I’m glad we can still-“
Liam literally shoved him out without a word before graciously greeting every other girl who wasn’t his ex.
Then the experts act like dandy this is the worst behavior ever to happen at this show. GENTLE REMINDER: A man scrubs the toilet with his wife’s toothbrush.
At the night’s final commitment ceremony, Bec and Jake decide to stick together and we laugh on their faces. How are they?
“I packed my things and went to Perth and tried to spend as much time as possible with Bec and, unfortunately, that was not met. I was there for 20 days and I spent two and a half days with him,” she shared.
Mhhhhmm. Mhmmm. Look, Jake, we’re gonna give you some real talk. Sure, what are you doing? It sucks. It must be hurt. But you know what you’re getting into. He tells you on the first day: Sasshole according to its name, The Sasshole naturally. This one’s for you.
We asked the producers if they could change the tone – away from drama and maybe give us a success story.
“We really moved together! I’m moving to Melbourne,” Jake grinned with satisfaction. “Nobody is holding me back in Canberra. I don’t think anyone in the history of this experiment will stick together like us!”
We will offer thoughts and feelings about this, but our attention is distracted because The Sasshole suddenly entered the party and almost inadvertently let more than just a sasshole slip.
We’ll let Mel Schilling’s face do the talking about this one:
“That’s … quite a split,” said Schilling.
That’s the most accurate thing these experts have been saying all season.
This is where things get boring. Alana started telling the girls that Jason broke up with her via text and they were all angry. Alana, Berger broke up with Carrie in POST-IT. Text messages are nothing. What do you want? Handwritten scroll? Be aware.
Then Cam walked in and we’d completely forgotten that he was there. Who is he again? Ohhh. Correctly. he cheated his ex-wife Samantha a little when he had an affair with Coco.
Coco’s ex-husband, Samuel, was very drunk from the Clairol Home Kit treatment he applied before coming here tonight, and he is seriously ill.
“Oi! Big dog! Eat, huh? Get the protein huh, big dog? Top dog!” he was berating Cam at the other end of the table. “Big alpha male in this room! Ugly mouth behind me!”
Cam clenched his fork down and politely offered the naughty Sam in front of his face. “You are a whip! You are a whip – you have become a whip, you are a whip, I will call you a whip.”
Sam returns a carefully crafted comeback. “You are the king of the whip!”
Ugh, Aaron Sorkin should feel insulted because he never had the skills to create lines like that.
Suddenly, Cam’s ex-wife, Samantha, joins in and starts yelling at her ex-husband about how he overshadows him and – the woman who cheated on him – Coco.
Coco screamed and looked at Samantha like she had just called her a whip.
“Hey! I’m not a ghost!” Coco corrected.
One of Samantha’s eyelids began to droop and she leaned across the table for balance. “Mate! You say…” and this is where she starts babbling, “… You say, ‘I have … GOHT. Ghost!'”
Leave it for a moment. Maybe even reread that last quote several times.
Now, Samantha might have spelled the word “ghost” wrong because she was drunk. Or he might have misspelled it because he doesn’t know how to spell the word ghost. We think that’s both.
Everyone tried not to laugh. Who just stared silently at Samantha who was now rocking in her chair.
Come on, guys. One of you will pick the low hanging fruit. In five, four, three, two …
“How do we spell it? Wait, how do we spell it?” Cam ignored his ex-wife.
To try to get rid of the embarrassment of her spelling mistake, Samantha turns a fight around and tries to explain to Coco the technicalities of how she had an affair with Cam.
Coco sighed and offered an apology just to end this mess.
This made Samantha start screaming again. “I don’t care about ya ‘pology! You whip!” he waved his limp hand into the air.
Oh, calm down, Samantha. Just ignore Coco – you know, like she’s a great guy.
Of course, this wouldn’t be a reunion dinner party if the name was Bleep! Not mentioned. Ugh, Bleep! can’t rest. The name Bleep! Just got dragged through the mud to the end.
Melissa broke in with a surprise. “To anyone who really cares – I actually spoke to Bleep!”
Kaboom. Alright, alright. Look who decides to get down and dirty in a game we call MAFS. Good for you, Melissa. What will you say to the old man?
He refused to share the details of his phone call. Huu!
Then Booka speaks up and reveals her partner thinks she got a call from Bryce’s former colleague confirming Bleep! Truth be told, this tangent is total delay. But then Booka was paralyzed.
To everyone’s surprise, Booka’s little gossip lures The Sasshole out of its cave to share a last-minute joke. She said Jake and Booka kissed while she was still “married” to him.
Uh … this round failed a bit too. The real change for us was when the fact about that boring old woman, Beth, recorded a kiss on her phone.
Anyway, the kissing story sounds outrageous but everyone rejects Bec for trying to make her appear more dramatic than it really is. It was a New Year’s Eve kiss that came after she refused to see her husband for a better half a month even though he had moved across the country to live in his city. Either way, yes both of them are terrible. Case is closed.
There he is. We’re closing this party.
One more night of this twisted show and then disappear like a ghost. Ghost! GOHT.